User blog:Ceoxal/Florida Man: The Blog Post Experience
As we all know, Florida Man is badass. He is so very badass, that his feats are to be chronicled in this one area. And yes, this is all real life, composite shit. Feats * Can't be arrested * Too fat to be contained in the American prison system * He enjoys the sensation of tasing * Advanced age does nothing to deter him * Can survive a plane crash * Can survive a meteor strike to the head * Survives being bit by a shark, rattlesnake and being hit by lightning * Isn't afraid to brag about his muscles * Able to carry a Black Bear * Easily catches a Mako Shark * Takes on a 765 lb gator and wins * Fends off a vicious sword-wielding bandit * Fights off vampires * Knows every Floridan-based martial art * Wins at gunfights with a shovel * Master of improvised weaponry * Master of medieval warfare * Sometimes overprepared * VERY overprepared * Can steal $4000 worth of barbecue * Can steal $85,000 worth of shredded cheese * He loves starburst * Can steal a bus as a child * Is a master trapper * Beat the shit out of a crocodile that failed to kill him then proceeded to have sexual intercourses with it * Is not immune to the allure of a dolphin * Knows how pigs feel * Likes snakes a bit too much * Can drive boats * Escaped North Korea with a fighter jet * Spreads the good word * May be the world's best pilot * Knows what ladies like * If he wants to fuck something, there is no stopping him * Nothing, not even inanimate objects can resist him * Too many sexual intercourses to list * Capable of killing things which aren't of our realm * Knows his rights * Brought religion to machines * Cares about the youth of America * Is a successful sex dungeon owner * Speaks fluent Swedish * Is worthy of Thor's hammer * Has immortality due to dying weekly, only to come back * Can successfully use a taco as an ID Card * Will want to join places after he's robbed them * Has an evil cat that downloads child pornography * Can run himself over with a truck * Can pass off as a monkey outside a seven-eleven * Can fight off 15 professional cops while doing very sexual business with his hand and dick * Can twist people's nipples off of their body * Has a motorized wheelchair * His farts can cause explosions * Can and will kill you if his macaroni and cheese goes missing * Can give people wedgies so bad that they are equal to death row for him * Will kill you if you don't cook him a hamburger * Will kill you with a katana if he doesn't have his shrimp * Lives in a treehouse * Can make glazed donuts covered in meth * Can predict the future * Has only half a normal head * His car can give birth to snakes * Knows the secrets of time travel * Ran for president multiple times * Knows how to snort human ashes * Can escape through locked doors * Has his two signature weapons, a fish, and his ex-girlfriend's pet dog * Owns a Klingon sword * Owns 368 billion dollars * Has throwing stars * Owns an 80,000,000 square foot long underwater Italian restaurant. * Steals cars to sleep * Breaks into people's homes to pet cats * Can stop robberies by laughing and saying "no" * Can attack others with a banana * Can hide in ponds * Can stop steet fights by running everyone over * Can use ramen noodles as weapons * Can sneak cocaine into candy * Is Satan * Gets free Toyotas * Uses blacks as his shooting range * Robs lemonade stands * He prefers muslim music over christmas music * Gives butt injections * Turned Trump into Napoleon * Robbed a diner with a garden hoe * Somehow also threatened to kill Trump after doing the change * Destroyed a nest full of wasps with his bare hands * WIP So what am I saying here? FLORIDA MAN VS BATMAN WEN Category:Blog posts